A thought I’ve had for a while
The times I find myself pushing writing to the back burner are also the times when I seem to need writing the most. Of late, I have been consumed by the most wonderful of distractions -a new love – and have since been contemplating what exactly that means. At the point in our relationship where the L word threatens to spring from my mouth at any given moment and I find myself holding back, scared, perhaps, of what might happen next, I concurrently question why the word – the idea of the word, even – brings so much unnecessary contemplation.
With A, my feelings of attraction, trust, comfort and admiration are far stronger than they have been for anyone in a long time… maybe ever. Is THAT love? I also find myself wanting to take care of him, cook for him, and show him how well I might provide love and stability in his life. Is THAT love?
With all my questions, I realized that, for a word that is so often used and thought about, I had (and continue to have) little clue about what it means. To say you love someone is to express a higher-than-normal esteem for them, so that they may recognize that you value their presence in your life above others. Sure. But there must be more to it than that, otherwise the idea of telling someone you love them wouldn’t be quite so intimidating. There is an additional element of self in telling someone you love them for the first time; you are essentially laying your cards on the table, inviting the infinite possibilities the word has come to imply. It is like saying, “I surrender to the unknown with you.”
All that considered, I feel like I’m ready to tell this wonderful person that I love him, beyond even the shadow of a doubt, and see – finally – what it means to surrender myself to love.